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Finding the perfect date movie is hard. Finding the perfect VALENTINES DAY DATE MOVIE is nigh impossible. That is why, for your benefit, I have previewed this week’s selection of cinematic experience and found that film which expresses most fully the ideas and emotions of Valentines Day: “The Revenant”, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy. This epic saga of a really awful-looking Leo nearly dying over and over in horrible ways exemplifies everything Valentines Day means, and to demonstrate this, I have provided below 10 entirely valid reasons this is the case.
1. Blood is Romantic
“The Revenant” contains a variety of scenes featuring obscene amounts of blood. Science tells us that blood is pumped through bodies by the heart. Hearts are a classic Valentines day symbol, and the sight of snow, clothing, faces, and various mutilated body parts coated in the red sticky life-liquid will stir up deep emotions in both yourself and your date.
2. Cupid Imagery
In this film, there are depictions of Native Americans. Throughout the film, Native Americans are seen to impale their combatants with arrows from great distance, with the film’s visual and sound design team clearly working overtime to accentuate the gruesome realism this entails. These images call to mind the fat angel-child Cupid, slaying his victims with arrows of infatuation. With every arrow through the throat, you’ll be reminded of the arrow that struck your heart when you met that special person you’re sharing your Valentine’s Day with.
3. Bears of Love
It’s traditional oftentimes for couples to gift each other with Valentines Day themed teddy bears. In “The Revenant,” Leo is himself is gifted with a bear. This parallel makes a strong case for the allegorical nature of the picture, and further solidifies this masterpiece’s position as the best Valentines Day film ever created.
4. Provides Romantic Opportunity
As horrific imagery lingers upon the screen, you may take this opportunity to fling your arms around your significant other in dramatic fashion. This scenario, despite it’s catalyst, is very romantic, and can be taken advantage of in upwards of 37 different scenes throughout “The Revenant”. Because so many scenes. So many.
5. Ugly Lips
Towards the latter half of the film, it becomes impossible not to notice just how chapped Leo’s lips are. Try as you might, you will not be able to focus on the dialogue, the events, or even the scenery. Leo’s horribly mangled lips will be all you can see. Studies show that a significant majority of people use their lips during kissing, and the sight of these, the most ugly lips of all the lips, will remind both you and your date of this ritual, and will also provide a wonderful conversation starter to set the mood for smooching.
6. Test of Endurance
Perhaps you’re in a relationship advanced to the point where contemplation of the holiest of matrimonies dances through your head, but you must still determine whether or not you are truly capable of spending the rest of your life with your potential partner. “The Revenant” is not quite as long as that, but it sure as heck feels like it, and thereby provides fertile ground for testing the longevity of your relationship.
7. Bro Moment
There’s this really whacko scene where Leo and this random unnamed Native American dude sit around and catch snowflakes on their tongues. So there’s that.
Within the run-time of “The Revenant,” there are many masculine individuals with horrible scraggly homeless people beards. It can be nearly guaranteed that no matter how terrible your boyfriend’s (or girlfriend’s) facial hair might be, it will be absolutely beautiful by comparison. This can only benefit your relationship. The added benefit that your girlfriend will find it hard to think of DiCaprio or Tom Hardy as attractive after the complete viewing of this motion picture is also worth consideration.
9. Warm Pony
Perhaps you like to snuggle. Perhaps also you like horses. Leo displays his love of both of these things. Simultaneously.
10. You could always be THAT couple
You may recall my earlier point about Leo’s lips. Due to the sheer length of this cinematic experience, one could easily spend the entire date smooching in the back of the darkened theater. You will not miss much.
Or you could do what everyone else is doing and watch Ryan Reynolds make death poop jokes. Cause that’s romantic.